


Maker's Grace

by daisygal18



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2018-11-19 03:18:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11304618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daisygal18/pseuds/daisygal18
Summary: Alistair Theirin has lived in obscurity since his fight against the Blight. When he becomes outlawed by his brothers and sisters in the Wardens he joins the Inquisition to help save them from themselves, only to be bewitched by the enchanting Inquisitor Trevelyan.





	1. She is Young

**Author's Note:**

> So this is something different I wanted to give a go. I just sort of like the paring a lot and wanted to try my hand at it. If you like it, great. If not, well I only really write these for myself anyways. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

.A.  
\----

She is very young. 

That is the first thing Warden Alistair notices about this Inquisitor that has come into his cave. An odd introduction between the two from Hawke ended in the red haired Warden apologizing for his paranoia. 

“I’ve had a hard time discerning friends from enemies in the last year.” The young woman, who couldn't be much older than three and twenty smiled at him. 

“It is no problem at all, Warden Alistair, these are troubling times.” She assured him; and something about the way she smiled, and her eyes lifted as she did so made him think so much of Solona that he had to look away. It made his heart twinge painfully. 

They discussed the disappearance of the Wardens and he explained to them his theory that perhaps the Calling was being imitated. 

“If that's true, we are a lot worse off than I thought.” Grace Trevelyan said, her eyebrows furrowing. 

“I will come with you, I will not see the Wardens become the one thing they fear.” Alistair said as he placed a hand over his heart and nodded at the woman that was close to ten years his junior. 

“The Inquisition welcomes you.” She replied. 

\----

He watched her as they rode back to Skyhold, as a man watches a woman he finds attractive. There was something about her that reminded him of his first love, but it was not looks. Where Solona had been thin and wispy, Grace was curvy and womanly. Solona had such pale blonde hair that it looked white, Grace’s was a deep brown that fell in tresses down her back. He found it odd she didn't tie it up, she let it fly around her in wild waves as she rode and when they had encountered bandits it had flown in a mane around her head as she delivered devastating blows with her magic. 

That was another thing, she too was a mage, as was Solona; yet the brown haired Inquisitor was brutal in her attacks. Her focus was elemental, she commanded lightning, ice, and fire more fiercely than any man with a sword. Solona had been a healer, seeming like a dancer on the battlefield as she gracefully healed their companions as they fell. 

He couldn't figure it out, but it drew him to her. She was very beautiful, her skin was pale and flawless, aside from a thin dusting of freckles across her nose. Her eyes were a deep blue like fine Orlesian silk. He had known many women in the years since Solona’s death. It had become a source of comfort to invite a fair haired woman to his bed, and he would be lying if he said he wouldn’t enjoy a night with the Inquisitor. 

“Don’t even think it my friend.” A husky voice said from beside him. 

He flushed, realizing he had been caught ogling the woman. He looked to Daniel Hawke who stared at him with knowing grey eyes. 

“I'm not sure I get your meaning, Hawke.” Alistair said innocently and the man snorted. 

“You don't fool me old friend, you forget I've spent many a drunken tavern nights with you. I know your tells when your eye has been caught.” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively. 

“Please, she's practically a child anyways.” Alistair said in his defense, he knew she was no child. Her body was that of a woman, and his own body hadn't missed it. 

“First of all, you're a shit liar, always have been. Secondly, I do not warn you because of her youth. I warn you because Commander Cullen and she are involved.” Hawke said as he himself stared wistfully at the pretty mage. 

“Cullen… why does that sound so familiar?” He wondered out loud. 

“He was the Knight Captain in Kirkwall.” Hawke offered and recognition dawned on Alistair. 

“That's it! He was at the Circle in Ferelden during the Blight!” He nodded as he stared at the woman who rode ahead of everyone alone. “Involved with a mage? How curious, last I saw the man he was half mad from a demon’s influence and demanded that Solona and I murder every mage we came across.” 

He remembered the desperate look on the man's face. He had stared at Solona in hatred, it had hurt her more than she let on. He remembered pressing her for information and she confided that Cullen had been a friend of sorts, a kind and just Templar when so many were cruel. It had pained her to see her friend so twisted by blood magic. 

“Huh.” Hawke said thoughtfully. “I guess stranger things have happened.” He said. 

“You've got that right.” Alistair said. 

\----

He tried to keep a distance from her. He knew she was spoken for and while some people might say otherwise, he tried to be an honorable man. That and the weird pull he felt was unsettling to him, it had been nearly a decade since Solona died to save the world. He had not felt such a pull to a woman since then, and it was throwing him off. 

Grace Trevelyan wouldn't quite let him get away so easily however. She sought him out with a million questions about the Wardens, and himself. He learned that this is how she was with everyone. She wanted to genuinely know the people she worked with, and it was admirable, but being the center of someone's attention was an odd feeling for him. It was easy for him to go months without contact with other people, only wondering to a village when he wanted a particular itch scratched. She would watch him with those blue eyes as he spoke, she was curious, and despite himself he found their talks enjoyable. He could see why every single person in the castle would take a blade for her. She was inspiring and kind, she lead with a fierceness that made you want to follow. 

It had been weeks since he joined the Inquisition at Skyhold, they were gathering information on the Warden’s movements and had pinpointed a ruin in the Western Approach. They planned an expedition there within the month. He had grown fond of the castle Skyhold, and the people that dwelled within. You would think being a Warden would always give one a sense of purpose, but since the Blight ended he had fallen into obscurity, and with that a feeling of uselessness. It was a good feeling to be a part of something bigger than himself again. He had missed it. 

\----

A week before they were to go to the Western Approach Grace and her companions were called to the Winter Palace, this pushed their plans back a few weeks and he tried to not let his anxiousness show as Grace explained the situation. 

“This is just such a time sensitive matter, and Josie has been trying to ensure an invitation to the masque to no avail. It is crucial that we go immediately.” She pleaded with him to understand. They stood in front of each other in Skyhold’s garden. He sighed and looked away from her eyes. 

“The issue with the Wardens is crucial as well, the longer we wait, the deeper rooted all this madness becomes.” 

“I know, Alistair, and we leave to the Western Approach as soon as we return from the Winter Palace. I swear to you.” She touched his arm and he sucked in a breath as he looked at her. 

He had tried, to no avail, to ignore this attraction he felt towards her. He had seen her with her commander and the man looked at her like she was his entire world, and Alistair supposed she was. There was a time when he felt that way about a woman, and he wouldn't try to get in between that. 

Still, they had spent many long nights in the library tower; after Dorian and Fiona had gone to bed, talking about everything. She had asked him about his journeys since the Blight ended. He asked her about her family and how she discovered her magic. Family was a sensitive subject with her. She smiled as she told him about her two sisters, Arbor and Laurel, they were all named after flowers. She also had an older brother named Macon, who had joined the Templar order after she had been taken to the circle. He, by some miracle, had been stationed at her circle and had acted as her protector. She confided that when the circles fell she would not have made it out had it not been for her brother, they were very close, tears welled in her eyes as she told him of Macon’s demise at the Conclave. Alistair felt for her, she had lost a brother and had the weight of the world put on her shoulders at the same time. He connected with the young mage. He shared with her his own troubles with losing his Warden brothers and sisters on top of the Blight. There was an understanding between the two that he couldn't ignore. So he resided to be her friend and nothing more, but the way his body responded to just the sound of her voice was maddening. He wrote it off as infatuation, her strange likeness to Solona was stirring up old feelings. He could ignore it. 

Her hand still rested on his arm and he tried to ignore the fact that it put every single nerve on edge for him. He looked to her wide blue eyes that were wise beyond her years but still so innocent at the same time. He wondered how such a unique human had graced his path when he thought he was doomed to walk in the dark forever. He sighed and offered her a small smile. 

“Just hurry back, no one here can keep up with my knowledge of history like you.” He said in a teasing voice. 

She hugged him and he froze surprised by the contact. He wrapped his arms around her slowly and warmth filled him at the feeling of having her in his arms. 

“You will be careful?” He whispered and she chuckled as she pulled away. 

“Alistair, you're not WORRIED are you?” She raised an eyebrow and he cleared his throat and stepped away from her. 

“Well, if you don't return the world might very well end.” He said with a smirk and she snorted. 

“Hopefully we will be back within the fortnight. We will keep in correspondence with everyone still here. In the meantime why don't you just relax? We have the information we need, you could have a bit of a holiday.” She offered with a smile. 

“Grace, darling, I have not been relaxed in ten years. I doubt it would happen now.” He said with a scoff. 

“Just a suggestion, figured you wouldn't want your hair turning any more grey than it already is.” She said as she laughed and skipped from the room, leaving him rolling his eyes after her. 

Grey hair, please, he was too young. He glanced in a mirror on the wall and paled when he saw one grey hair in his hairline, he plucked it and stared at the offending hair. 

“You just have to go and remind me how old I am, don't you?” He said to the offending hair before flicking it away from him.


	2. This Mess is Mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos! Hope you guys are enjoying this. It won't be a long story, so hopefully I can update semi regularly.

.A.

\----

She was victorious in Orlais. They received news of her success before the party returned. She had, by some miracle, convinced the empress, her cousin, and the elf Briala to all work together to unify Orlais. She continued to astound everyone, and while Alistair found her victories inspiring, he worried for her. He knew what it was like to have the weight of the world thrusted upon you, he didn't want to see her falter. He was excited to see her return, he had missed her, which bothered him. Missing someone implied attachment and he could not allow himself such frivolties when it came to a woman who could not belong to him, a woman he was not entirely sure he could love properly regardless. His heart, he was convinced, had died right along with Solona on that tower. Never until now had he even been interested in speaking with a woman beyond pillow talk. 

So he tried very hard not to seek her out when she arrived home. He knew she would come to him, plans were to be made to march to the Western Approach. In fact, many of her party were scarce upon the return. He heard murmurs that another would be joining them, some occult advisor of the empress’s. Besides the whispered rumors of the witch woman the castle was perhaps even quieter than before she returned. A tenseness had fallen on Skyhold’s people, they worried for their Inquisitor. He took it upon himself to seek her out after a week of silence, he told himself it was because of the time sensitivity of the matter of the Warden’s, but he knew in his heart that he just had missed her presence. 

But he wasn't ready to think about that. 

He walked up the stairs to her chamber, trying to be quiet in case she was sleeping but also not wanting to startle her if she were reading. He peeked around the corner at the top of the stairs and scanned her room, it was very tidy, the desk was the only disorderly part and he smiled at all the books that lay open, their corner of the library looked just the same. He walked the last few steps and looked again to find her sitting on the ledge of her balcony. 

He walked slowly towards her. He was about to speak but she beat him to it. 

“Hello Alistair.” She said softly. 

“Inquisitor, you've been absent.” He said formally as he walked onto the balcony. 

When she looked at him he saw the troubled feelings that flooded her eyes and he wished he could take the trouble from her and put it on him instead. 

“You were victorious in Orlais. Congratulations.” He said with a smile, in an attempt to lighten her mood. She frowned and looked down at the endless abyss below her. 

“When you look at me, as you are now, what is the first thing you think? Be completely honest.” She looked at him, a challenge in her blue eyes. 

“I see a young woman, with eyes older than her years.” He said softly, and he flushed at the raw honesty of his words. He was in dangerous waters. 

The eyes in question softened. “You are the only one who treats me like a woman, you and Dorian… everyone else treats me like I'm some sort of Andraste in the flesh.” She spat the holy name angrily and glared into the mountains. 

“Cullen cares deeply for you.” He offered. 

She scoffed, “He is perhaps the worse, I just want him to love me like a man loves a woman, but I feel as if he has placed me on a pedestal. I've just become another idol to him.” 

He didn't know how to respond to that so he didn't. He leant against the rock of the terrace and stared into the mountain range that cocooned the castle. The breeze billowed around them softly, he turned to look at her. She truly was a beautiful woman. Her hair swirled softly around her face with the wind, he wondered what it would feel like between his fingers. 

“Can I ask you something?” She said and turned to meet his gaze. 

“Anything.” He said softly. 

“Will you tell me about the Hero of Ferelden?” 

Solona’s face filled his thoughts and he sighed and looked away from the Inquisitors curious gaze. He had been dreaming of her lately. The same nightmares he had after she died. It had been years since she had haunted him in such a way, his sweet love, who had taken his heart with her to the grave. 

“What would you like to know?” His voice was pained, but he wanted to make Grace feel better. 

“Did you love her?” She asked bluntly and he coughed lightly.

“I… yes, I did. Very much.” He said the last part wistfully, thoughts of what might have been swirling in his mind. 

“You still do.” Grace whispered softly, he met her gaze and she had a strange expression on her face as she watched him. 

“Yes.” He agreed. She nodded and looked to the mountains once more. 

“I'm sorry she died.” She said quietly, not looking at him. 

“It doesn't hurt like it used to.” He replied and walked closer to where she sat, he leant over slightly to see the drop below, but moved back quickly. He had always hated heights. 

“We can make plans in the morning to leave for the Approach, but for now, will you just stay with me? I only feel normal when I'm right here.” He couldn't deny her anything he had found, so he silently agreed. 

They spent the evening there on her terrace, sometimes talking, sometimes sitting in comfortable silence. He felt something different happening to them as she spoke to him, it both excited and scared him. He was a man torn, torn between pulling her to him, and running away from those inquisitive blue eyes that seemed to peer into his very soul. 

\----

Their trip to the Western Approach had not quite gone as planned. Hawke became very angry at the knowledge that the Warden’s were using blood magic to summon demons. Alistair had opened his mouth in protest but Grace beat him to it. 

“The Warden’s are not at fault here, they thought they were preventing future Blights.” She nodded at Alistair, he smiled softly in her direction. Thankful to have someone on his side for once. 

“We must march on Adamant promptly, Clarel doesn't know that she's made a deal with the very thing she's sworn to destroy.” Alistair said to Grace as he rode his horse beside hers. 

She had ridden to the nearest camp to inform Harding of what was happening so a missive could be sent to Leliana. She then told everyone to get a couple of hours of rest because they would be riding for Skyhold. She had said something along the lines of ‘I need to see some bloody green.’ Alistair watched her now as they rode and she nodded in agreement to his statement. 

“It's a two week ride back to Skyhold, the missive will reach Leliana long before then. I'm sure Cullen will have the troops prepared by the time we return, we will take a days rest, and then we will march.” She said decisively. 

“Thank you, Grace.” Alistair said in a low voice full of meaning. 

“No need to thank me, Warden Alistair, the fall of the Warden’s would do us no favors in our fight against Corypheus.” She said dismissively and Alistair sighed. 

“I meant for standing up for the Warden’s the way you did.” He said and she looked at him, offering him a small smile and a one shoulder shrug. 

“People are always blind to the Wardens, until we need them, and we will always need them. I will not see them torn apart when they've saved the very world we live in five times over.” 

“How old were you at the start of the Fifth Blight?” He wondered as they rode ahead from the rest of the party. 

She appeared to be thinking, “I had just been sent to the Circle when things got really bad, so… twelve? That sounds about right.” She nodded and Alistair coughed. 

“Maker’s balls, I didn't realize you were quite so young.” He did of course realize her youth, but to hear that she was merely a child when he was fighting the Blight put it into perspective. 

She giggled, “Yes, I suppose I am. When this all began I resented my age, no one took me seriously because they all saw me as a child. I think I would rather be treated like a child than a holy symbol.” She said bitterly. 

“No worries, my dear Grace, soon you will defeat Corypheus and no one will remember who you are.” He offered with a joking grin. 

“One can only hope.” She said wistfully. He watched her for a moment, the sun was bright in the desert and it illuminated red highlights in her hair, it was very pleasing to the eye, he noted. 

“What will you do after this is all over?” He asked. 

She sighed thoughtfully and then smiled, “I think I would very much like to have a cozy house in a forest where I can just live peacefully with my books.” 

“Just your books?” He inquired and she laughed. 

“Perhaps a husband.” She lamented. 

“A Commander husband.” Alistair stated and Grace frowned. 

“I don't know if I see myself married to Cullen.” She said suddenly and Alistair blinked. 

The romance between the Inquisitor and her Commander had women all over Thedas swooning. Songs were being written, lavish tales of how he won her affection being spun. They were a power couple, like a queen and her king, he knew she had been having her doubts about his feelings for her, but to hear them spoken so openly…

“Grace…” he started but she stopped him. 

“Let us not fret over things that will work themselves out. We have much to plan, and I want to get out of this blighted desert before we camp.” She kicked her horse forward then and left him in a cloud of sand. 

\----

“Well well, what have we here?” A voice spoke from behind him that sent a chill up his spine. 

“Morrigan.” He grumbled and turned around to find the very woman he hated with all his being standing before him. 

She glared at him with just as much hatred as she crossed her arms over her chest. 

“The Inquisitor said you were here.” She said, raising her chin as she appraised him. 

“Well, funny, she made no mention of it to me. Pray tell, what ARE you doing here?” He said with thinly veiled venom. 

“I have been sent here by royal decree for your information, and you are here hiding from the very order you helped save. How ironic.” She said with a cruel smirk and he glared. 

“You're the occult advisor.” He stated and Morrigan clapped sarcastically. 

“Not as daft as he looks.”

“Just stay away from me, it's a big castle, I'll be sure to give you a wide berth.” He said with a cheeky nod before turning to walk away. 

“How does it feel, Alistair?” She called after him, her voice broke on the last word and he turned to the woman again. 

“Excuse me?” He noticed then that the witch had tears in her eyes. What in the maker?

“How does it feel knowing that you could have saved the woman you loved, but you let your foolish pride get in the way?” She spat and he felt as if she had stabbed him. 

He stepped forward until their faces were mere inches apart, his voice was low and deadly when he spoke. 

“You weren't there, you weren't on that tower. I tried to take the blow, but she had Sten hold me back. You know nothing of what happened there because you abandoned us all on the eve of battle.” He growled and she glared right back at him. 

“I couldn't stay, I couldn't watch her die just because you thought too highly of yourself to go to bed with me.” 

He stepped back at her words, anger and confusion making him come very close to losing his cool. 

“What are you fucking on about? Going to bed with you? Have you lost your damn mind?” Morrigan startled at his words. Her eyes widening. 

“She didn't tell you.” She whispered. 

“Tell me what?!” He shouted, anger seeping into him, his fists were clenched. He needed to hit something. 

Morrigan flinched at his tone and stumbled back. She sat down on a nearby bench and rested her head in her hands. Alistair remained standing, waiting on the witch to explain herself. 

“Stupid, stubborn mage.” She whispered. Then she looked up at him, her expression one of understanding and… pity?

“Solona and you could have both survived that final battle.” She said softly. 

His head was swimming, no, they had been told a Warden had to die. He had made a silent vow to take the blow, he wouldn't let her die, but she anticipated this and made sure he was held back. He had to watch the very life leave her, he blinked his eyes to rid the images from tormenting him. 

“No, Riordan told us what had to happen. There was no way around it.” He said, disbelieving. 

“There was a way, Alistair. It was the very reason mother sent me with you on your journey. I was to sleep with a male Warden the night before the battle, a baby would be conceived and that child would absorb the old god soul, saving all Warden’s present.” She said. 

He stepped backwards as if he'd been shot, his mind spinning. He thought back to that night, images flooded his mind. She had seemed off but he had written it off as fear. They had made love that night and she cried in his arms afterwards. Her eyes were far away as she looked at him, and he had felt her saying goodbye. How could she have kept this from him? He would have taken Oghren to bed if it meant saving her life. 

“I don't understand.” He shook his head. 

“I approached her and told her it had to be you, Riordan was too old, the ritual might not have worked. It had to be you, and she refused, she said she would never ask you to do such a thing. I pleaded with her to at least ask you, and get your opinion. She promised she would, but it appears she did not.” She shook her head. 

“She could have lived.” He whispered. 

“Yes.” She replied. 

“I have to leave.” He rushed from the garden and into the main hall. 

His feet took him to her quarters, he rushed up her stairs. She was at her desk, reading a book about Adamant. They were supposed to leave in the morning, but his entire world was in shambles. Grace stood when he entered, her lovely face filled with worry. 

“Alistair? You look like you've seen a ghost. Sit down.” She led him to the bed, he sat and realized he was shaking. 

“I could have saved her.” He croaked. 

Grace grabbed his hand and he held it tightly in his own. She rubbed soothing circles on his hand with her thumb. 

“Who? What has happened?” Grace was worried for him, he could tell. He couldn't get the words out, he thought he might puke if he had to replay it in his mind. 

He was a man gone mad, the rushing emotions in his mind had clearly made him lose his senses, because he grabbed Grace’s face and crushed his lips to hers. She gasped softly at the contact, and just as he was about to pull away and apologize for his forwardness she began to respond. She ran her hands into his hair and pulled him tighter against her. He groaned at the very taste of her. She smelled so good, and her body felt so right pressed against his. 

“Alistair.” She whispered as she pulled away to breathe. He trailed kisses down her throat and began pulling her cloth casual clothes away. 

Encouraged by her hands still in his hair he cupped her breast in his hand, she moaned lowly at the contact and arched into him. He attached his mouth to hers once more and pushed her back onto the bed and rested his weight on top of her. He wanted to devour her, he had wanted her since he first saw her. He had kept his distance long enough, but now, he was a man possessed. 

He reached down for the hem of her shirt and pulled it over her head in one fluid motion. She shivered as the mountain air coming in from the balcony hit her skin and he reveled in seeing so much of her body open to him, he worked the strings on her breeches next and with her help pulled them and her smalls down with them. She was bare before him and he thought he had never seen a woman so lovely until that moment. He kissed her everywhere, she moaned softly with each touch of his lips and he felt his erection growing at the sounds. He became impatient and undid his own breeches, freeing his cock and thrusting into her heat all in one motion. Grace tensed for a moment and he stilled, hearing her sound of discomfort and freezing. 

“Are you okay?” His head was still foggy from their kisses, but he didn't want her to be hurt. 

“I've just… I've never done this before.” She said softly, a strain in her voice. He pulled back to look into her eyes. 

“You've never been with a man?” He asked, incredulous. 

“Never.” She whispered, he was marveled by her. 

Why had she allowed him to take such a precious gift from her? He didn't want to think about that right now. 

He kissed her softly then, “If it hurts too much, please tell me.” He said as he rested his forehead against hers. She nodded and then squeezed her eyes shut as he began to move. 

Alistair groaned at the feeling of her wrapped around him. He buried his head in her neck and pushed back into her slowly, she hissed and gripped his biceps at the movement. He began to sweat from the effort to not slam into her repeatedly, it hadn't felt like this since… he couldn't think about that right now. 

“Are you okay?” He asked, he pulled away and she opened those big blue eyes to look at him, she was so filled with trust… for him. 

“I'm okay, just keep going.” She said softly and he nodded. 

After a while of going at a painfully slow pace she told him to go faster, he obliged and she moaned deeply. Encouraged he propped himself up to get a better angle and to see her laid before him. She was truly a beautiful creature to behold. 

He wanted to get her to her climax, so he started trailing kisses down her neck and reached a hand down between them to touch her. She gasped at the sensation and then moaned loudly. After a few minutes she gripped him tightly to her and cried his name with her release, Alistair picked up his pace and slammed into her a few more times before following after her. He collapsed on top of her and they both lay there spent. 

He rolled off of her and pulled her in close to him, as they lay there he could feel the reality of what had happened set in. The cold air from the terrace was like reality slapping him in the face, leaving goose pimples on his heated skin. Grace was relaxed in his arms, and he wondered why she wasn't freaking out. 

He pulled away from her and stood from the bed. He began dressing quickly, not looking at the naked woman behind him on the bed. 

“Are you leaving?” She asked. He pulled his shirt over his head before turning to her. She had gathered the throw from the bed to her chest, her hair was a mess and her lips were swollen from their kisses. She looked sinful. 

“We have a big day tomorrow, we should both rest.” He said lamely. She sat up straighter in the bed before speaking. 

“You can rest here.” She offered, her eyes were confused. 

“Grace…” he said, he didn't know what to say to her. 

“Oh, I get it.” She laughed without humor, nodding her head. 

“Look, this shouldn't have happened, I was overwhelmed, I shouldn't have kissed you like that. I'm sorry.” He knew how this must have sounded to her, he didn't understand what was wrong with his mind. He needed to get away from her, or he would grab her again. 

“I think you should leave.” She said, and the broken lilt in her voice made his heart clench painfully. 

“Grace, you know I care for you, but this has just made things very complicated. You're still with the commander and I…” he trailed off, he didn't know what he was. 

“No, I get it. You come here speaking in riddles and then kiss me and then fuck me as a distraction. I get it.” She stood and grabbed a robe from her desk chair and wrapped it around her body. 

“No! That's not what this was!” He stepped towards her but she held up a hand to stop him, her eyes were cold and deadly as she glared at him. 

“Please leave my quarters now, Warden Alistair.” He flinched at the coldness in her voice. He didn't know what to say to make this better, he didn't know what to do. So he did what any cowards does, he fled. 

\----

Three hours before sunrise and he was still in the tavern drinking his weight in ale. He hiccuped loudly and looked to his left where the Iron Bull was passed out. He made a check in the air, he had out drank a qunari, Oghren would have been proud. He wondered what happened to the old red dwarf. Then he thought of Varric which made him think of Hawke, where was Hawke anyway? Ohhhh, he had wooed the servant girl and disappeared hours ago. It was just Alistair in the tavern, and his ale. He sighed mournfully and rubbed his temples, he had made quite the mess of things.

“You're afraid to love her.” A voice said softly. He spun around but no one was there. 

“Who's there?” He called out. 

“You're afraid because you've wandered so long in the dark, and she is light. You've grown comfortable in your darkness and you don't know how to be a man that lives in the light anymore, but you want to, you want her. You want her more than the emerald eyes that haunt you, and that also scares you.” The voice said again. 

Alistair clasped his hands to his head, “Leave me!” He shouted. 

“She cries for you, not the Templar. ‘Rough hands touch my body, he sees me, he makes me feel like I still belong to myself.’” The voice spoke quickly, the words it said causing the agony of the evening to wash over him.

“You couldn't have saved her, she was gone before the blow, it wasn't your fault. You can still save the flower, it's not too late.” He stood and came face to face with a young man, no older than nineteen he was sure. Had he seen him before? He couldn't quite recall. 

“Forget.” He whispered and everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be kind.


	3. Haunted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Going a little off the plot line in this chapter, hope that's okay. I figure you don't really come here for an exact retelling of the game anyways and if you do; well, why not just play it?
> 
> Happy 4th of July to everyone in the States!

.A.

\----

Alistair awoke the next morning with the worst headache he had ever had. He flinched as the morning light assaulted him. He was in his room that sat off from the barracks but he had no clue how he had gotten there. The last thing he remembered was… a voice? Had that even really happened? The next thing he recalled was Grace, and his behavior to her. She had given herself to him when she had never done so with anyone else, and he had walked out on her like some sort of whore. He sighed at his stupidity, what had been holding him back? He knew it wasn't the commander, she was unhappy with him, it was obvious. He just couldn't push himself to seek anything from her, what did he have to offer? He didn't even have a proper home, he drifted around Thedas aimlessly, sleeping wherever he could rest his head. That was no life for a lady such as Grace Trevelyan. 

He needed to speak to her, explain himself, apologize for behaving so beastly. He rose from the bed and hissed at the pain in his head, he would be absolutely worthless on this trek to Adamant, perhaps the elf mage had a potion that would get him over the worst of it. He dressed quickly and then walked out of his quarters. The courtyard was in a tizzy getting things prepared for the journey. Broncos were being loaded down with supplies and weapons, soldiers were joking around, excited for their first big battle. There was an air of excitement that thinly veiled the dread he knew everyone was feeling. The Warden’s were a fierce group of warriors, and he knew that if they couldn't convince them to cease fighting and listen to reason that the battle would be very bloody. 

When he entered the main hall it was surprisingly empty. Usually there were countless nobles and political figures standing around gossiping about the enchanting Inquisitor and her inner circle. It was almost eerie seeing it so empty, he swallowed and continued his walk to the Inquisitors door. He was about to open it but the door flew open, the commander stood before him, his face was a mask of hurt. When he set eyes on Alistair however his expression turned to one of fury. 

Before Alistair could speak the other man had reared back and punched him so hard in the jaw he fell backwards. Pain exploded in his head and he groaned as he held a hand to his jaw. Cullen said nothing to him, but glared as he walked away and into the empty hall. Alistair watched him until he disappeared and sighed before pulling himself to his feet and walking through the open door to Grace’s quarters. He jogged up the stairs, eager to see her. 

“Cullen, there's nothing more to-” she stopped talking when she turned around and realized who she was speaking to. 

“Alistair.” She said, her face became guarded and he wanted to reach out to her. She used to smile when she saw him. 

“Please, can we speak?” He pleaded as he stepped forward. 

She was already dressed in her leather armor, she buckled the last buckle on her boot before returning her gaze to him. 

“There's nothing to speak about, and I have much to do.” She said in a dismissive tone. Alistair walked to her and grabbed her arm. 

“Grace.” He begged and looked into her eyes. 

Tears welled up in her own, but she turned from him and sniffed in an effort to cover her emotions. 

“What more could you possibly want from me, Alistair?” She whispered, her voice betraying her. She looked out her window, the crack in her voice broke his heart. 

“There are not enough words for me to express how sorry I am for my behavior last night. You deserved so much more from the person you shared such an important moment with, and I treated you like some sort of tavern whore. Please please, I beg of you to forgive me.” He said as he stepped forward and clasped her hands in his. She pulled away from him. 

“I told Cullen.” She said. 

“I figured since he punched me only moments ago.” She looked at him eyes wide and touched the side of his face that was already bruising. 

“I am sorry he did that, it is me he should be angry with.” She said with a sigh. 

“I kissed you.” He offered. 

“I didn't tell you to stop.” She retorted. 

He didn't respond, just looked at her. She looked ill, dark circles were under her eyes. Her skin was a sickly pale, she hadn't slept well, it was obvious. He had done that to her. Guilt swelled in his abdomen. 

“Please say you'll forgive me.” He whispered after a moment's silence. 

She offered him a pained smile, “I think you should go prepare for the march.” She said before turning from him again. 

“Grace…” he said, his voice trailed after her and she had never felt so far from him. 

“Alistair, please, I feel foolish enough as it is. Please leave so that I may march today with some semblance of my dignity in tact.” Her voice was thick with emotion, and she wouldn't meet his eyes. 

“You have nothing to feel foolish for.” He said with conviction, he moved forward and touched her jaw to make her look him in the eye. A single tear fell from her sapphire eyes. 

“I am the biggest fool of all.” She croaked, “I gave my whole heart to a man who doesn't have one, and that has left me empty.” She whispered. 

Pain exploded in his chest at her words. He wished he had the right words to say to her, why couldn't he just wrap his mind around what it was he was feeling? Had it truly been so long? He opened his mouth to speak but she had closed off, she stepped away from him and interrupted him. 

“Please, leave me alone. I'm not Solona, I'll never be Solona. I am sorry if my words have made you feel some sort of obligation, please know that was not my intention. After we sort this out at Adamant you can return to the Warden’s and you will forget me.” Her voice was stronger now but he couldn't leave, not after this, not after all that had been said. 

“Grace-”

“Leave me!” She shouted, her eyes were heated and in pain. 

He could do nothing but turn away from her and trek down the stairs. 

He tried to ignore the sobs that echoed off the rafters. 

\----

The ride to Adamant was long and draining on Alistair. Grace rode in the front with her men, and he hung back with Hawke. He watched her as she rode, she had painted on a mask of determination and he was reminded again of how great a leader she truly was. His chest twinged painfully at the chaos he had caused her. He knew when he came here he was in trouble. She was an enigma, her beauty would leave anyone speechless but her kindness, and wisdom as a leader is what won her the hearts of these men and women marching. They would all die to protect her, he knew this for certain. 

What had he done? He was a dark spot on everyone around him.

“You look like a Brood Mother chewed you up and spit you out.” The voice of Morrigan lilted from his left. 

He glanced at the witch woman, she rode proudly upon a sleek black stallion. Her normal apostate garb was replaced with a long flowing cloak that appeared to be made of raven feathers. Memories came to him of the conversation they had had, the guilt that tormented him and pushed him to kiss Grace, when he wasn't ready for her. 

His face soured and he looked away. 

“I need to apologize to you, for dropping such a thing on you before a battle such as this. I let my emotions control me and I am truly sorry.” Her voice was sincere and it floored him. Still, he didn't feel like maintaining the confrontation with her, so he said nothing. 

“Alistair, please, I've spent ten years hating your very existence and I'm truly trying to make peace with you.” She pleaded. 

“I can't make peace with you, Morrigan, not when everything I thought I knew is wrong. I'm trying to get my bearings, please just leave me”. She sighed but relented, she clicked to her horse and rode ahead to get beside Grace. 

“You okay, friend?” Hawke inquired from his right. 

“Not in the slightest.” He replied, not taking his eyes from Grace’s back. 

\----

It all happened very quickly it seemed. They fought their way through the fortress doors. Grace was fierce as always in her magic, but he felt anxious as he watched her. He found himself slashing through the attacking demons to get to her, she was an important target. He wouldn't let anything happen to her. 

They convinced some of the Warden’s to stand down, and though it made her more vulnerable Grace demanded Hawke and some reinforcements hang back to protect the others who had lost numbers. Selfless, even with her life on the line. 

Finally they reached the courtyard, where Clarel killed a young elf girl for a blood ritual. Grace gasped and held a hand to her mouth as the girl collapsed lifeless. Her hands shook as the scene played out, Alistair wondered if she knew the girl. When Clarel noticed them she demanded they be slain, but Grace stepped forward and exposed Erimond to Clarel, she then rallied the Grey Wardens after the archdemon appeared. Clarel ordered the remaining Wardens to aide the Inquisition. When the following battle was won they chased after Clarel. The showdown between she and Erimond ended with Clarel’s demise. The balcony of the fortress was failing. Alistair stumbled as he tried to maintain footing. He shouted as he began to fall, a hand grabbed his and he looked up to see Grace shouting in the effort to pull him up. He grabbed at the rock to aide her and helped pull himself up, but it was too late. The balcony would fall, they all tumbled to their doom; but at the last second a rift opened and all went black. 

\----

The Fade. 

He remembered being here when the Circle of Ferelden had fallen, but that was in a sleep like state. He was here physically now and it was even more horrific than he remembered. They had entrusted their fate in the hands of ‘Divine Justinia’ he scoffed, she was as much the divine as he was. 

Still, she had proved useful as they trekked through the Fade. Grace walked a bit behind everyone. She had begun to have memories of what had happened at the Conclave. She remembered the death of her brother, and his voice shouting her name to run. It was physically taxing on the young mage and Alistair worried for her. 

“Grace, we will get out of this.” He said softly as he tried to reassure her. She looked up at him, her eyes weren't vibrant as they always were, they were broken and the blue of her irises reminded him of a raging sea. 

She didn't respond to him, she only looked away, her mind going to places he couldn't follow her. 

Finally they drew closer to the Nightmare’s lair. He began speaking to them, taunting them with their fears. He spoke to Hawke about his sister, Solas in elven, Dorian about his father, and Blackwall about the Wardens. Finally it was Alistair. 

“Ah, Alistair, your fear is so selfless and selfish at the same time. You fear for her, as you have feared for another, your fear of loss however makes you fear for yourself. You know what they say, history always repeats itself.” The Nightmare cackled maniacally. 

Alistair glanced to Grace who watched him with those broken blue eyes. He couldn't look at her, he was a coward, he couldn't face the pain he had caused her. He would get her out of this, and then he would leave, she would be better without him. 

They finally reached the beast in all his glory and he was every bit as terrifying as you would expect a thing called ‘The Nightmare’ to be. They fought the aspect valiantly, but afterwards the great beast itself descended upon them. The others went through, leaving only Grace, Hawke, and Alistair behind. Alistair felt the solution as the thing moved in on them. 

“You two go, I'll cover you.” He said. Hawke looked to him incredulous. 

“You're mad! I'll stay, you have to rebuild the Wardens.” He insisted. 

He was about to protest when Grace spoke. 

“Hawke, Leliana and I have prepared ourselves if something like this were to happen. Go to her, she will tell you what to do. Alistair…” she looked to him and smiled softly. 

“I'm sorry. Hawke… take him.” She said before grabbing her staff. 

“Wait! No!” Alistair roared. Hawke had already restrained him, he struggled madly as he watched her walk slowly to the creature. 

Not again, it can't happen again. He pulled roughly against Hawke. 

“Let me go! I won't leave her!” He shouted. 

“We have to go now, Alistair! The further away she gets, the more the rift closes!” Hawke said as he began dragging him. 

“Grace!” He groaned mournfully as she disappeared from his view. Hawke yanked him hard through the rift. 

He collapsed on his stomach, his breathing heavy. He moaned lowly and then sat up only to find the rift was gone, and she along with it. Tears formed in his eyes as he emptied his stomach onto the stone of the courtyard. 

“Where’s Grace?!” 

It was Cullen, he broke through the crowd to find Alistair on his knees, Hawke had reached down to help him. When Cullen saw the look on Alistair’s face he grabbed him up and shook him. Alistair didn't even try to fight back. Pain had exploded in his chest, a feeling so terrible he thought he might drown in the depth of it. 

“You left her there!” Cullen roared. 

“I'm sorry.” Alistair croaked, Cullen shoved him away from him. 

“She made the decision Commander, she told me there was a plan in order were this to happen.” Hawke said. 

Cullen took a shaky breath and clenched his eyes shut. “Leliana knows what to do.” He whispered before disappearing into the crowd once more.

Alistair couldn't focus on anything that was happening. Pain was exploding in his mind and his heart… his heart. It belonged to her, he thought he had lost it, but she found it. She had found it and brought him to life, she had given him everything she had and he had broken her. He could never make it right, she was gone, she was dead. He broke, he yelled into the skies, with the Warden’s and her friends surrounding him he buckled. 

Alistair cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be kind.


	4. Light Always Comes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!!!
> 
> Wow, sorry it's been forever since I updated! Not to be that person that says blah blah blah, life hit me like a truck... but it did... literally. My car got totaled by a truck and then I got a new car only to wreck it TWO DAYS later. Seriously, I must have really wronged someone in a past life because I'm getting all the bad karma. 
> 
> Anywaaaayyyss. This chapter was hard to write mostly because I wanted it to flow, but it kept feeling very stiff. If you notice the stiffness, I'm sorry. 
> 
> Here it is, hopefully my life stops being Final Destination and I can crank out some more chapters soon.

.A.

\----

Darkness had settled upon Alistair. 

The days that had followed the Inquisitor’s demise at Adamant were a painful blur to him. Dorian had been a friendly hand to help him make his way back to Skyhold. Hawke began his talks with Leliana, it had been put into place that Hawke would be Grace’s second. The dread that everyone felt was apparent, Grace had taken the anchor with her. Everyone was in a panic trying to make a plan to save everyone. 

They had a memorial service, her sisters came, both of them had light blonde hair as did Grace’s mother, she looked nothing like them. He could see her in her father though, the dark hair and the wise blue eyes. Her father stood along with the advisors as each one spoke, nearly catatonic. He remembered her mentioning they were very close once. Her mother had always had her sisters, and her father had Grace and her brother, he had now lost both. 

Once the crowd had cleared, Alistair stepped to the plaque where her name was etched. He touched it and his shoulders began to shake as he fought the emotion. Two funerals he had been to such as this, but this time it hurt so much worse. 

“Did you love her, Warden?” A cold voice said from behind him. 

He turned to see the commander watching him. Pain was pulling on his mind, he had been fighting it but it called to him. He dared to say what he never could admit to her… or himself. 

“Yes.” He whispered. 

Cullen seemed surprised, his mask of anger slipping for a small moment. His eyes couldn't hide what he felt though, Alistair knew he was just as broken. 

“I am sorry, Cullen, for any pain my actions may have caused you.” Alistair said sincerely as he watched the man before him. 

Cullen winced slightly and averted his eyes. 

“I knew when you came here that things were different. She changed, she seemed happier than she had in awhile. I foolishly thought it was me, but then I saw you two in the library one day... She laughed so loudly, and the way she looked at you…” he glanced up at Alistair again, he shook his head. “She never looked at me like that.” He whispered, his voice was hollow. 

Alistair didn't say anything, just nodded solemnly and walked away. 

“What will you do now?” Cullen called after him. 

“What she expected me to, I will ride back to Adamant and rebuild.” Alistair replied, never looking back. 

\----

They made him Warden-Commander, he knew there was someone else in place but the vote to have him lead the Wardens of Orlais was unanimous. He had never been one for such titles, he had begged Solona to not make him king, he was always the one following, protecting. He had failed twice now at that, and the job proved to keep him busy. He started with rebuilding the ruined fortress and putting in orders to weed out any corruption among the ranks. He also decreed that the Wardens would aide the Inquisition in the war against Corypheus. 

He threw himself into his work, never speaking to the other Wardens unless it was related to their job. They all seemed to understand his distance from them, he knew they didn't think he heard them when they whispered, but he did. 

“They say he and the Inquisitor were having an affair.” 

“Did you see him when he came back from the Fade? Poor bastard.” 

He did his best to ignore them, it only brought the darkness he tried so hard to ignore right to the surface. He was filled with guilt and hatred for himself. He thought back to when he was a young man, losing Solona seemed like the end of his world. He had been so naive, his world had lived, she was but a child at the time but she would grow into a woman. A strong and beautiful woman who would light up his existence, and he had pushed her away from him. He had let her die not knowing what she meant to him. He thought back to all the times he had felt it stirring within him. 

He thought about her sitting in the oversized chair in the library, her nose stuffed inside an ancient book that had caused them both to sneeze when they opened it. She had glanced at him and caught him staring, he was embarrassed of his attraction. It was more though, it was always more, he was a lost man when she found him in that cave. She had given him purpose once again, she had treated him as her equal, she had loved him despite his shortcomings…

Nighttime was the worst. He would lay awake for hours and when he finally slept her face would haunt him. She begged him to help her, to not leave her. He swore he would protect her, but she was always out of reach. He would awake, drenched in sweat, tears in his eyes unable to breathe. 

It was worse than anything he had ever felt. 

He found himself going mad sometimes when he walked amongst the grounds. He would catch a glimpse of brown hair and he would follow he woman only to be met with brown eyes instead of blue. He was losing his bearings, and he felt dangerously close to sinking. 

He almost hoped the world would end, so that his torment would cease. 

\----

Months passed and things were relatively calm, but there was still the thinly veiled panic of what was to come. Hawke was leading the Inquisition as best he could, but the morale of the people was broken. These are the things Leliana wrote to Alistair to keep him in the loop. He never replied, but he knew that she knew he read them, or she wouldn't keep sending them. He and Leliana had grieved a loss together once before, and though the spymaster was more stoic now than she was in her youth, he knew she grieved the Inquisitors loss greatly. He could tell from her letters the pain she felt. He knew it was selfish to not reply, but the situation was too familiar. He felt like he was reliving a nightmare, but it hurt more. He knew he had loved Solona, with everything in him but his and Grace’s souls had recognized each other, she had felt like home to him. He wished he had told her. 

The dream came on a wintry night in Orlais. The fires in the fortress were lit, and the beams that stood to aide in the repairs creaked as the wind blew the ancient stone walls. It was not a normal dream, he dreamed he was in the Fade, but in his room in Adamant. 

“Alistair!” She called, he spun desperately in his room and there he found her, crouched by the fire shaking. 

“Grace!” He shouted as he rushed beside her. 

When he reached her she looked up at him, she was so thin and tired looking, her hair was stringy with filth and there were several wounds on her body. He touched her but his hand went through her, he noticed then that her very image was unclear, like she was coming in and out of focus. 

“Grace, what has happened?” He said, desperate to help her. 

“I can't find my way out, you have to help me. Go to Skyhold, tell Solas to help you locate me. Please, I feel myself fading…” she was disappearing before him. 

“Don't leave!” He pleaded but she was gone. 

He awoke, breathing hard. He sat straight up in bed staring at the corner where Grace had sat. There was nothing there now, the corner was dark and cold as the fire died down in the early hours. He threw the covers from his body and leapt from the bed. 

Grace was alive, he knew it, she was trying to reach him. 

He dressed quickly and packed essentials for a journey. He strapped his sword to his side and exited the rooms. Only the servants were awake at this hour, they bustled around carrying pails of ashes from fireplaces. He stepped forward and stopped a young girl. She curtsied when she saw him. 

“Warden-Commander.” She said respectively. 

“I need you to pass a message on to Warden-Constable Henricks, I have been called to urgent business at the border. I do not know when I shall return, but I will send word upon my arrival.” The girl nodded to him. 

“It will be done, ser.” She murmured as she skidded off to do her chores. 

He watched her leave and heaved his pack higher onto his shoulder. 

“I'm coming, Grace.” He whispered. 

\----

Something about Skyhold was foreboding to him now. The life had left it, and he supposed that made sense. Grace was the very life of the Inquisition. Hawke made a valiant leader, but he was no Grace Trevelyan. 

He entered the gates and told the guards who he was. 

“Notify the spymaster that I am here, I need to speak urgently with the Inquisitor and the elven mage Solas.” He said urgently. The two men hurried off at his words and he made his way up the stairs to the main hall, diplomats stared as he walked through the hall. 

“Is that the Warden-Commander? Why is he here?” A woman murmured. 

“Did you hear the things they say about him and Trevelyan?” Another snickered. He glowered as he walked to the door that led to the war room. 

“Warden-Commander!” Josephine said as she stood hurriedly upon his unannounced arrival. 

“I will be waiting in the war room when Hawke and Solas arrive.” He said with a stiff nod as he walked past the flustered Antivan. 

\---- 

A mere twenty minutes passed before Hawke, Solas, Leliana and Cullen entered the war room. They all eyed him with wary expressions, except Solas, he stared upon him with a knowing look. He wondered if Grace had visited him, or if he had any inkling she still lingered. 

“Warden-Commander, this is an unexpected visit. I trust everything is well in Adamant?” Leliana said, questions in her eyes. 

He nodded once, “Things are moving along nicely, but I am not here for a mere social call. I came on urgent business concerning Grace.” He tried to ignore the varying expressions of pity, except, Cullen he wore the same glare he always did around Alistair as of late. 

“What news could you have of her?” Solas questioned. 

“She visited me, a week ago. I came here as soon as I could. I think it may be possible she still lingers in the Fade.” They all stared at him like he was mad, and he supposed it sounded like he was. 

“Alistair, my old friend, Grace perished in the Fade. No one could have survived such an assault.” Hawke said slowly as he watched the other man with an expression of pity. 

Alistair glared at the dark haired man, “She spoke to me Hawke. I have been tormented with nightmares long enough to distinguishing something real from false. She told me to come here and have Solas help me, she said she could feel herself fading.” His voice dropped at his last words, he prayed he was not too late. 

Leliana opened her mouth to say her peace but Solas spoke before her. “She and I have shared such conversations in the Fade. Of course, she and I were both sleeping, this would mean she is physically there but has reached out to you in your dreams.” He mused. 

“Yes, we must locate her, she could open a rift, come back through. She's weak, she needs help to open the veil.” Alistair insisted. 

Hawke looked between the elf and the man with an expression of disbelief. “Surely you two aren't thinking she lives? It would be a miracle, she could never have survived such a battle against that beast.” He said vehemently. 

“She should not have survived the Conclave, but she did.” Leliana whispered, a plan forming in her eyes. 

“The avalanche at Haven should have taken her, but she walked her way back to us in a blizzard.” Cullen added, Alistair felt hope blooming in his chest. They believed him. 

“What can we do?” He asked the elf. 

"I need a quiet place to rest, I will try to speak with her if she still lingers in the Fade. I might be able to help her open a rift if she is weak, and she should be able to walk back through."

“When?” Alistair stepped forward. Determination filled him, they would find her, they had to. 

“At dusk.” Solas said. 

\----

“Once I am asleep I will try to locate her quickly and aide her in opening the rift. Hawke, Alistair, Commander you all stand ready to enter. Time is of the essence here, we must act quickly. If her strength is waning the length of time she can keep a rift open will be very small.” Solas nodded at each of the men. 

Leliana and Josephine stood together, worried expressions on their faces. The round room that was Solas’s quarters was dimly lit, Alistair looked up to find the mage Dorian watching them from the balcony of the library. They shared a nod, Alistair knew it wasn't just he that felt Grace’s absence. The whole Inquisition felt it, her inner circle that she called her family. They all had hope for the first time months. He hoped to the Maker he was right, that he wasn't mad. 

Solas settled on the lounge and closed his eyes. They all waited anxiously, Cullen was a mask of calm but Alistair noted the hand that twitched at his side. It seemed like they stood like that forever before a small green light appeared in the circular room. Alistair gasped, scarcely believing it. 

The light from the magic was weak, but slowly an opening formed, flashes of color shining through the opening. They moved quickly, each of them stepping into the opening. Alistair looked around wildly and then she was in front of him, not a dream or a figment of his imagination but real. 

“Grace!” He shouted as he rushed towards her. Her hand was up as she held the rift open. 

“I can't hold it much longer!” She cried and he grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the opening. He pulled her through and Hawke and Cullen followed behind them just as the rift closed. 

Grace moaned as she stumbled into the room, Solas shot awake and stood to join them. Alistair hadn't let go of her arm. Grace looked up at him and sheer terror filled her eyes, she jerked away from him roughly and before he could apologize or ask what he had done she had burst into tears. She turned around to find Cullen behind her and threw herself into his arms as sobs shook her frail body. She was so skinny, and bruised, pain erupted in Alistair’s chest as she clung to the other man. 

“Shh, I've got you.” Cullen whispered to her softly and she collapsed against him, he picked her up like a child and began leaving the room. 

“Solas, come with me, we need to assess any injuries.” The Commander said and the elf walked briskly behind them. 

Alistair could only stare after them as they disappeared into the main hall. The look in her eyes as she stared at him was flashing in his mind, she looked terrified, like the very sight of him sent fear into her heart. Why?

“Fret not, my friend, she has suffered yet another ordeal that should have killed her.” Leliana said softly, it was just them in the room now. Everyone else had followed the Commander. 

“She looked at me like I was a monster…” he murmured, his eyes stared at the place where she had disappeared from his vision. 

“The Fade is a dark place, not meant for the living to enter physically, we do not know what terror she witnessed.” Leliana offered. 

“I've brought nothing but pain upon her.” He spoke as if Leliana wasn't there, he said the words to no one, no one but himself. 

“Alistair…” Leliana started, a friendly hand on his arm but he jerked away and stared at the woman he called friend. 

“It's true, she nearly died because of me, because she loves me. I deserve this, and I don't even care, because she's alive, she's alive and I'm in love with her Leli, I… I love her.” He whispered the last three words and ran a hand through his hair. 

“Then tell her.” Leliana said with conviction. 

“I can't, you saw how she looked at me. She fears me, I won't bring more hurt to her life. Not when it can be prevented.” 

Leliana sighed and shook her head, “You and Soloana let your own convictions stand in the way of your happiness.” 

Alistair’s eyes shot to hers, she gave him a sad, knowing smile. “She came to me that night, and told me of Morrigan’s offer.” Leliana croaked. 

Alistair squeezed his eyes shut and looked away. “She took my choice away from me.” 

“Are you not doing the same thing to Grace by running away?” Leliana argued. 

“That's different… I'm not flinging myself into oblivion.” He said through clenched teeth. 

“Oh but you are, old friend.” Leliana said lowly. 

“I leave at dawn…” Alistair said as he made to leave the room, he had grown tired of this back and forth. 

He stopped at the door and turned to find the spymaster watching him with sad, beautiful eyes. 

“You'll… write me, to let me know she's okay?” He whispered. 

The red headed woman did not speak, only offered a nod in response. Alistair gave a curt nod of his own and left her standing alone surrounded by Solas’s paintings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be kind.


	5. Empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Here I am again with another update! 
> 
> I love that I am getting some feedback, you really have no idea how much it means to me. 
> 
> This is a bit of a filler from Grace's POV.
> 
> Enjoy!

.G.

\---

The winter wind blew around Grace Trevelyan as she stared at the epitaph with her name on it. It was surreal, to see one's own name on a memorial stone. She shivered against the brisk air and closed her eyes tightly, trying to maintain her breathing as Solas had taught her in the last couple of days. She was still having a hard time believing she was actually here, that this wasn't a dream. 

She had been violently ill in the first few hours of her return. She had eaten strange things in the Fade to stay alive and her body had begun to purge it all from her system. Thick black and green vomit erupted from her thin frame, Cullen had rubbed her back as she heaved and she couldn't even tell him thank you before she passed out. 

That was two days ago and this morning had been the first time she had awoken from a, thankfully, dreamless sleep. She hadn't had the courage to ask about Alistair, and no one had offered any information. Maker, just thinking his name made her shoulders shake. 

‘Grace… you're nothing, she was everything and you're nothing. You're a child, worthless.’ His voice entered her mind, the eyes she loved morphed into an evil stare, he had stabbed her… beaten her, told her he hated her. 

She didn't realize she was crying until the cold air hit her cheeks, she held her stomach. It hadn't been real, it wasn't real, she knew this. 

It had felt real, the marks on her body were real and that… thing… had worn Alistair’s face. A hand on her shoulder made her nearly jump from her skin, she spun around, ready to fight. Only to find Cullen’s kind eyes watching her with pity. Oh Cullen, she thought, you shouldn't love me. 

“It's cold out here, you're shivering.” He said, and without hesitation he took off his cloak and wrapped it around her small frame. 

“Thank you.” She croaked, not knowing what to say. She had grown used to not engaging things with human faces, it was always a cruel trick. 

“Grace… no one expects you to jump right back into leading. Everyone is just so happy you're with us still, you can take some time. You could go and stay with your family.” He said softly to her, like she was a child, like she was breakable. She supposed at this moment she was. 

“I cannot leave here.” She whispered as she looked at the tall stone walls. 

“Why?”

“It is the only place I feel safe.” 

\----

‘Grace, darling, did you love me?’ His voice whispered to her. 

‘Leave me, demon.’ She gritted out, she was locked in place and couldn't move, she tried but she couldn't. 

‘I am no demon, I am the man that you gave your whole heart to, remember?’ He grinned maniacally. 

Her heart was beating fast as he stepped closer, he ran his nose down her cheek and she tried to pull away, she was shaking, terrified. 

‘You were right about one thing though… I have no heart.’ He hissed before stabbing her in her shoulder. 

‘Grace’ he whispered, she was screaming. 

“Grace!” She was pulled from the nightmare, she looked up into hazel eyes that stared down at her with worry. 

“Cullen.” She sobbed. 

“It was just a dream… you're okay, you're safe.” He whispered. 

He must have been checking on her through the night. Her body was drenched in sweat and she wondered what all he had heard. Cullen pushed the hair from her forehead and she hated the troubled look in his eyes. 

“Where did Warden Alistair go?” She whispered. 

Cullen’s face grew dark and he looked away from her. 

“He left the morning after you returned.” He said lowly. 

She felt a pain in her heart that he had run away from her again. It was shadowed slightly by the pain of the demon’s tricks, but she supposed they had been right about one thing… Alistair did not love her.

“Cullen… can you just stay with me?” She asked in a small voice. 

“Whatever you need, Grace.” The man promised. 

She found his hand and held it tightly. He settled beside her on the bed, and Grace fell back into a fitful sleep. 

\----

Grace had to take back on her Inquisitor role sooner than she had planned. Blackwall had left them, she found his letter and rode with a small party to Val Royeaux. She was weak, she had not yet gained back all the weight that she had lost in the Fade. Cullen had pleaded with her to let him go in her stead, but Blackwall was her friend, she would be the one to go. 

It had ended in heartbreak. The man she had called friend was not the person he claimed to be. She was not content to let him die however, and although he cursed her for it she saved him and gave him his freedom, to which he decided to stay with the Inquisition. She knew everyone disagreed with her decision, they whispered about her, saying she was destined to be a corrupt leader. If being a corrupt leader meant giving a broken man a second chance at life then she supposed she was. 

Saving Blackwall from himself seemed to give Grace the push she needed to lead the Inquisition again. Hawke stepped down but stayed on to aide her in all her dealings. After only a few weeks she had gained fifteen pounds and her appearance had become that of a healthy young woman again. 

Night time, however, was a different story. Without the missions of the Inquisition to keep her busy she would toss and turn all night, Alistair’s face following her, his hands torturing her. She remembered how he had spoken to her like an actual person, how they had formed a friendship in that nook of the library. She clung to that image, that image of the man she had fallen in love with. It was squashed by the demons lies, she couldn't shake the terror she felt. She hated the Fade, she hated that it had taken something she held precious and corrupted it, and many a nights when she woke drenched in her own sweat, she wished she would have died. 

Then there was Cullen…

He had offered to stay with Grace, and while his presence calmed her she felt it wasn't fair to allow it. She knew he held out hope that she would change her mind about their relationship. She wished she could, she knew Cullen would be good to her, he had always been good to her. Alistair had taken ahold of her soul, he had possessed her mind and her body. She had loved him in a pure way, when he left her it had broken her, but she still had loved him. The Fade had taken that love and twisted it into something foul, something filled with pain and torment. She longed for him to come riding to her, but she feared it as well. Her heart still loved him, but her mind had been broken by a demon wearing his face. 

She shivered now against the cold air, there had been no word of Corypheus. Morrigan had been keeping tabs on several elven ruins, thinking he might seek magic there. It had become quiet, Grace was grateful, but his silence scared her. She knew he hadn't given up, if anything their victory at Adamant had made him more dangerous, he was becoming desperate. The castle was quiet now in the wee morning hours, there was only a slight stirring of servants. Many of the soldiers had taken leave for First Day celebrations, even Josephine had gone home to see her family. Cullen had once again asked if she wanted to see her family. Her father had written her, a tear stained letter full of happiness she was alive. She hadn't responded to him, she didn't know what to say. She had declined Cullen’s offer to go to the Free Marches, she wanted to stay here at her fortress. It had been her saving grace when she was trapped. It was the one place the demon couldn't follow her. Morrigan had been right about the walls holding old magic, it was safe, and she wasn't brave enough to leave it for long periods of time. 

She grabbed her robe from her chair and she stepped out onto her balcony. The view of the sun rising through the mountains would always be her favorite. She sighed, content to be awake, away from the nightmares. She thought about the day Alistair had found her here, when she returned from the Winter Palace. She had been at a low point, feeling as if she had lost herself. He had come to her, and joked with her, he made her smile. He looked at her like a human being, not a larger than life symbol. He had been her escape from the titles that followed her. She closed her eyes to keep the tears from falling, it seemed like a lifetime ago. 

She knew he still loved the Hero of Ferelden, she had foolishly envied the dead woman for capturing his heart so completely. She thought he saw her as a child, a friend to talk history with. Then he kissed her that day in her room, it had been so different from the shy kisses she had shared with Cullen. Alistair was speaking nonsense and then he kissed her with such passion it left her breathless. She could have died from happiness… but alas, all good things end. He was not hers to love, and he never would be, she could see it in his eyes as he looked at her. He had pitied her, and she hated him for it. 

She shook her head to erase the thoughts and stepped back into her room. She fancied a bath and then she would see if Leliana had any missions in the area to send her on, she needed to stretch her legs a little. She knew Blackwall would be up for some action and perhaps Dorian as well. 

She could do this, this she knew, she could put on the mask of the Inquisitor and lead these people. She would have to leave the real Grace behind… so she did, she left her behind on the balcony, with the ghost of a red haired man with a dead heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be kind.


	6. Wounded

.A.

\----

Four months after his return to Adamant, Alistair was once again sent a raven with the Inquisition seal. This one came from Morrigan, telling him that his Wardens were needed as they marched into the Arbor Wilds. He had sent his reply and hung his head, he tried in vain to think of a reason to not go. He knew he needed to lead his men, but seeing her… Grace, would break him again. His dreams were filled with her face, looking at him with fear filled eyes. What had she seen in the Fade to cause such a reaction? The thought of bringing her any sort of pain made him feel ill. 

He was also a coward. Seeing her, not being able to touch her like he wanted, not being able to tell her finally how he felt, that was an agony of its own. He could not leave her though, not for a battle such as this. He would march with his men, and he would avoid her gaze unless she sought him out. Grace was head strong, he knew if she wanted to speak with him, she would. This left him in a torn state, he was hopeful that she would speak to him, that they could converse like when they first met. Yet, he was also terrified she would shun him, beseech his name. He loved her deeply, but he mourned the friendship they had before he had ruined it all. 

He stared out the window of his study, the countryside of Adamant was beautiful, but the death that had happened here shadowed the warmth of the sun. It had been cold when last he saw her, perhaps a new season would bring new beginnings… or endings. 

\----

The Arbor Wilds were very different from the Korcari Wilds he had ventured during the Blight. Where the Korcari was a bare wasteland, the Arbor Wilds were vast and green with colorful plants and birds everywhere you looked. It was dense and beautiful, and he knew it was also very dangerous. Old magic and war lingered there. 

He and his Wardens set up camp a ways down from the Inquisition. He helped them prepare tents and unpack supplies to plan their movements. 

“Warden-Commander.” A voice said from behind him. 

He turned to find Leliana smiling at him. 

“Spymaster, you're looking well.” Alistair said with a bow of his head. 

“As are you. The summer air appears to be doing you some good.” She commented. 

He only smirked, and waited on her to get through her formalities to tell him why she had truly sought him out. 

“We will take a few days to plan our march on the elven ruin. I simply wanted to greet you and tell you we will be contacting you with our plans, and I'm sure you'll send us your own strategies.” She raised an eyebrow. 

“I will contact you as we settle then,” He had grown confused by her mask of a spymaster diplomat. 

She grabbed his hand suddenly. “It is good to see you.” She said softly. Then she left. 

When Alistair pulled his hand back he felt a small piece of parchment in his palm. He looked around before unfolding it and his heart sped up at the words. 

‘Come to my tent at midnight, wait for the guard change. I'll be waiting.’

G

He shoved the paper in his coat and cleared his throat. Why had she summoned him like this? In the dead of night? Despite his questions his heart soared, she wanted to see him. He knew not what waited for him come midnight, but he would see her again. 

\----

He wore a hood to conceal himself as he made the trek to the Inquisition camp. Her tent wasn't hard to find, there was a guard stationed out front and it was large and ornate with several lanterns positioned around it. He waited in the shadows until the guard moved to change, he knew he had only a few second window so he rushed to the side of the tent and walked through. He looked behind him to make sure he hadn't been followed and then he turned. He sucked in a breath when he saw her, she was more beautiful than his memory. She stood before him with a long dark blue robe covering her body. Her hair was longer now, and it fell in dark curls around her as always. He stared at her for a moment, she had hid her eyes from him, and he longed to see her fully. 

“Alistair.” She said softly, her voice shook slightly. 

“Grace.” He breathed. She shivered and he longed to touch her. 

His feet carried him towards her but she looked up suddenly, her eyes were hard and guarded. 

“No, you have to stay still.” She ordered. He saw it then, even though she was trying to hide it… fear. 

“Grace… I-” he started but she held up a hand. 

“Please, don't talk, not yet.” She said in a shaky voice. He nodded, not wanting to push her. 

She stepped forward slowly, he was reminded of a time when a rabid mabari had gotten loose in his camp when he was just a young Warden. The trainer had moved towards the growling animal much as Grace moved towards him now, like she was scared if she moved too fast he would attack. Maker, what had happened to her in the Fade?

She stopped when she stood right in front of him. He breathed slowly, trying to control his own shaking. He had almost forgotten the effect she had on him. Her presence was setting every nerve in his body on end. It was physically taxing to not touch her. He wanted to grab her and hold her, to tell her that he loved her. He stood still as a statue though. 

She reached out a hand to touch his face. Her hand shook and it was cold against his heated skin. She stared into his eyes like she was searching for something. 

“I need to tell you what happened to me in the Fade.” She whispered. 

He nodded, she did not move her hand from his face, but touched his nose then his chin. She was studying him as if she didn't believe he was real. 

“Tell me.” He pleaded, she looked to his eyes again. She turned away from him and every instinct he had told him to reach out for her, but he knew this was not a normal meeting between a man and a woman. This was a test, to see what she could handle. 

“I escaped the nightmare just barely. I ran and hid myself in different places, that didn't stop other demons from finding me. They took my mind and my thoughts. They clung to things that tormented to me, and used them. I tried to not think of you… I knew what could happen. So at first it was mostly my family they tortured me with.” She looked at him with eyes that were far away. 

“I would turn around and find my brother’s corpse, only to have him come alive to tell me everything was my fault. His death, the madness on the world. It was horrifying…” she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. 

“I tried… but I made a mistake, and I thought of you, of our time together. The demon saw this, he made himself look like you and he…” she sobbed loudly and he took a step forward but the look she gave him stopped him. 

“He said terrible things… but when he realized that wasn't enough to break me he started attacking my body.” Her voice was shaking and she swallowed. 

She untied the robe and it fell in a puddle of blue at her feet. She was bare before him but it was not a lustful feeling he felt, it was heartbreak and horror at the marks he saw on her pale flesh. 

She touched her shoulder, “He stabbed me here.” Her hand moved to a long cut between her breasts. “He cut me again and again here, never fatal, just to bring pain.” 

She touch the most horrifying, a deep bite on her right hip. "The demon wore your face, spoke with your voice, stripped me. He bit me hard here, when the wounds would begin to heal he would open them again. Do you understand?" She looked into his eyes, she was blurry to him now as silent tears filled his vision. 

“Grace.” He croaked, she had tears spilling down her cheeks. 

“I'm frightened of you, Alistair.” She whispered. 

He couldn't help it, he moved forward, she took a step back. Her frame was shaking. 

“I would never hurt you.” He vowed. 

“He said that too.” She whispered. “There's nothing you could say, nothing you can promise that the demon didn't taint.” She was backed against her vanity. 

Alistair grabbed her face roughly and made her look into his eyes.

“Look at me! I'm real, it is me.” She was shaking violently but he couldn't let her go, not again. 

“Please.” She pleaded as she looked into his eyes. 

“Grace… I love you.” Alistair said, never breaking eye contact. Her shaking stopped and she stared at him. 

“What did you say?” She whimpered. 

“I love you.” He whispered. “I've loved you since the moment I first saw you. I'm sorry, that it took me so long to figure it out.”

“You love me.” She said slowly. 

“Yes!” He said as he gripped her tighter. 

She was shaking her head. “No… it's a lie, you're lying!” She was shaking and she grew so hot he couldn't touch her. He backed away as fire enveloped her. She sobbed as the fire died and she grabbed the robe from the floor quickly and tied it around her body. 

“Leave me demon.” She hissed. 

“Grace, I'm no demon. I'm real, and I love you, please!” He said desperately but she had turned away from him. 

“Leave now!” She shouted, she turned her back on him and he stumbled backwards away from her. 

He left her tent, ignoring the questioning stare from the guard. He shook his head as the images of her wounds flashed before him. He grabbed at his hair and felt his hands shake, he was losing his grip. 

He stumbled into to someone and looked to find Cullen staring at him under the moonlight. The man’s gaze was hardened. 

“Leave me, Commander.” Alistair said dangerously. 

“You've been to see her.” Cullen said, his expression unreadable. 

“I said leave me!” Alistair shouted, he knew the men slept in tents only yards away, but he had lost his mind. All he could see were her eyes, her broken eyes. She didn't believe he loved her, she thought it was a trick.

“Did she tell you then, about what happened?” Cullen asked, Alistair looked at him. Cullen knew?

“She did.” He said. 

“Then surely you understand that you need to stay far away from her.” Cullen said in an authoritative voice. 

Alistair glared at the man, “You love this, don't you? She despises my very presence and turns to you for comfort.” Alistair spat. 

“You've left her three times now, don't look so shocked, Alistair, she told me everything. I've been there in these last months. I've picked up the pieces, I won't see you return to break her all over again.” Cullen glared and stepped closer to the Warden, they stood nose-to-nose. 

“Do not test me, Commander.” Alistair said through clenched teeth. 

“Yes please, show her your true colors, Warden. Show her she is right to fear you.” Cullen smirked. 

Alistair felt sick at the smugness coming from the other man. “She's never going to love you.” He said. “Do you know why it was my face the demon tormented her with? Because she is in love with me, because I'm the one that took her to bed.” He whispered the last part as he stared into the hazel eyes of the commander. 

Cullen reared back and punched Alistair in the same cheek he had punched him in all those months ago. Alistair didn't take it this time, he stumbled back only to rush forward and tackle the Commander at his midsection. They both groaned from the tussle. Cullen pushed him back and swung again but Alistair anticipated the swing and dodged only to deal a hard blow to Cullen’s nose. 

“Stop!” A voice said. They turned to find Solas glaring at the both of them. 

“You act like children fighting over a toy. The Inquisitor has been through an ordeal you can only imagine, she is not only my leader, but a patient and friend. I must ask the both of you to return to your tents at once.” Solas settled them with a reprimanding glare and Alistair spat on the ground where Cullen stood.

He ignored the bystanders watching them as he walked back to his tent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah, heavy stuff. Alistair finally tells her how he feels and she thinks he's a demon tricking her. Talk about friend zoned am I rite?
> 
> Ahem, sorry. 
> 
> Be kind.


	7. Full Circle

.A.

Two days after the fiasco in Grace’s tent a missive was sent to the Warden camp that the Venatori forces had begun attacking. Alistair prepared his men and they marched towards the ruins to aide the Inquisition forces. 

Grace and a small party had infiltrated the ruins in the wee morning hours. It was now midday and Alistair had not heard any updates from her people. He fought alongside his men and the Inquisitions as Templars with red lyrium protruding from their bodies attacked, as well as the fanatical mages. Corypheus certainly had a way of finding the most devoted and insane people to follow him. 

They cleared a small area and Alistair leaned against a rock to rest. The sun was beating down, making the humid jungle even more unbearable under all the armor. He thanked one of his men as he handed him a water skin and took long gulps. He stared to the sun, there had been not even mumblings of what might be happening in the ancient ruins. He feared for Grace, not that she was incapable of taking care of herself, but he knew now. He knew the things that must haunt her while she slept, and he knew that no matter how determined she seemed, his lovely girl was very close to her breaking point. 

Alistair had torn his tent apart the night of her confession. He had shouted and cursed the maker. It seemed she was always destined to be taken from him, if not by death, then by the darkness of the world. Still, no matter the horrors she faced, no matter if she could never be in a room with him again. He was grateful she lived. He would take her hatred, her ire, as long as he knew she was alive… and perhaps one day even happy when all of the madness ended. 

“Warden-Commander?” He jerked from his thoughts and looked to a young recruit who handed him a stained scrap of parchment. 

‘The Inquisitor has completed the mission. She and her small party have arrived back in Skyhold by way of enchanted mirror, the commander and I shall make haste to join her.’

-L

He let out a relieved breath as he read the words. He had no idea the artifact they were after was a bloody enchanted mirror, but he was glad Grace was successful nonetheless. He crumpled up the paper and clapped his hands loudly. 

“Make for the camp men! We will head back to Adamant on this day with the good news that Inquisitor Trevelyan has triumphed again!” They all whooped and he smiled, every man and woman here would die for Grace Trevelyan. He wondered if she knew the loyalty she inspired. He assumed she probably had no clue, she was always selling herself short. 

“You all fought well, we will remember our fallen brothers and sisters as we return home. In war, victory. In peace, vigilance… and in death-“

“Sacrifice.” The unified voices of his men echoed around him, they held their hands to their hearts and nodded respectively.

“Yes… sacrifice.” He mumbled to himself as they all busied themselves with heading towards the camp. 

He stared at the ruins that loomed over them. 

He wondered if he would ever see Grace Trevelyan again. 

————

They had been headed towards home for three days when the entire sky lit up in green. Everyone gasped as they looked to the sky where the Breach had remained, ever ominous in its presence. It was now opened again, the wild jungle they were in had taken longer to leave, he knew the forces of the Inquisition couldn’t have possibly returned by now. 

Everyone stared at the giant hole in the sky in horror. Corypheus had become desperate, now he was going to rip the entire work in half… all to get to…

“Grace.” Alistair whispered as it dawned on him. She was alone at Skyhold, only those who entered the ruins with her would be there, and perhaps Cullen and Leliana if they had ridden through the night like Leliana had planned. 

Alistair couldn’t abandon her again. He had walked away that day in her room, the Fade, and again when she returned to them. He had been a coward, afraid of her refusal. None of that mattered now. He had to go. They were a several hour ride from Skyhold and that was if he did not stop even once. 

He grabbed a recruit roughly. “Prepare my horse.” He entered his tent and began packing a small satchel of things he would need. 

He rushed from the tent and grabbed the reins from the recruit. He tied his bag to the saddle and was about to mount the horse when a hand grabbed him and spun him around. 

“What are you doing?” It was Henricks, his second. The younger man was staring at him in disbelief. 

“I cannot leave her to face that demon alone.” Alistair said with a glare. 

“It is not our place to interfere now, we’ve done our part.” Alistair glared. 

“That woman is the only reason the Wardens are still here. We owe it to her to see this through.” 

“Oh please, Alistair, I think we can stop with the formalities. You don’t ride to Skyhold to help Grace Trevelyan because she spared the Wardens, you ride because you’re a fool that’s in love with a woman he cannot have.” Alistair closed his eyes, he liked Henricks, he was a good leader, and devoted to the Wardens to a fault; but he was dangerously close to getting punched. 

“One day, you will meet a woman who takes ahold of your very soul, and you will understand.” Alistair said lowly before mounting his horse. Henricks rushesd forward and grabbed his arm. Alistair met his eyes and he gave him a sympathetic smile. He knew the young man had looked up to him, they all had this idea of him, this great hero from the Fifth Blight… he never lived up to their expectations. They didn’t expect him to also be a man. 

“If you do this, I will have to write to Weisshaupt to tell them you’ve abandoned us. They’ll strip you of your Commander rank.” He didn’t say it in hostility. He said it with pleading eyes, he was still hopelessly in love with the Wardens, and Alistair remembered a time when he was just the same. Just a young man who had never known a family, finally being a part of something big. 

“Do what you must.” Was all he said before he kicked his horse forward, leaving the young Constable standing in the dust. 

————

The closer he got to Skyhold the more he realized it was the ruins of Haven he needed to reach. Corypheus had risen the skeleton of the temple of Sacred Ashes and made a mockery of the Golden City in the sky. Green light flashed above him and finally he heard fighting. 

He rode into the thick of it with his sword drawn. He slashed at demons that attacked small battalions of the the Inquisition forces. A shade tried to take down one of Leliana’s rogues and he sliced the creatures head off before it could deliver a horrible blow. 

“Warden-Commander!” The young rogue gasped, she had dark blood caked on her face. 

“Where is Grace?” He asked, the woman was confused until she realized it was the Inquisitor he spoke of.

She looked to the sky, where the ruins hovered ominously. 

“The creature took her and four others up there.”

“Damn.” He cursed, he had no way of getting to her. 

“I will take you.” A voice came from behind him. 

It was Morrigan, she held her hand to a wound in her stomach. Alistair had seen the dragons, and one had fallen. He assumed it was her. 

“You are injured.” He said. 

“I can make it. We cannot let her die.” She said with meaning and he nodded resolutely to the woman. 

She gasped in pain as her body began to change. The winged beast was before him and he leapt onto her back quickly. The dragon roared as they took flight. Alistair noticed her flying was not steady, he hoped she could make it to the temple. He had to get to Grace. 

When they reached the rubble he jumped off and without looking back he sprinted up the stairs and to the sound of fighting. Corypheus was taunting Grace cruelly. Alistair winced at every sound of impact and prayed he was not too late. 

When he reached the top of the temple he stopped. Blackwall, Solas, and Bull were all in a magical bind. Grace spun around and shot fireballs at Corypheus who dodged them sluggishly, the creature was tiring out. She dealt a hard blow to him and he crumpled to his knees. Grace had the orb in her hands and she walked forward. 

“You wanted into the Fade!” She yelled and the creature began to dissolve. Alistair watched in horror as Corypheus began reaching for a fallen blade as he screamed. 

“No!” Alistair shouted. He ran at full speed to where Grace stood facing down the demon. 

Alistair shoved her out of the way just as the demon thrusted the blade up. Alistair gasped as pain ripped through his right side. Corypheus let out one final screech before he disappeared completely. Grace had fallen to the ground but she looked up at Alistair now as he held the deep wound in his side. He stumbled slightly and collapsed. Grace said his name and crawled to him. 

“No, no, no.” She said over and over again. She shook her hand and tried to pull healing magic through. Her mana was depleted from the fight. 

“Solas!” She shouted, but the elf was nowhere to be seen. She sobbed and looked down at him. Alistair just watched her, a peacefulness had settled over him. 

“You’re alive.” He whispered before he coughed. 

“Just hold on, okay? The temple is returning to the ground, we will get a healer, okay?” She said with watery eyes. 

Alistair touched her face and she held no fear of him in her eyes, but fear for him instead. 

“You stupid man, why would you do that?” She said hotly. 

“I’ve spent too much time walking away from you, it was time I came to you, instead of running away.” He said simply. He coughed and blood bubbled from his mouth. 

“Don’t talk too much.” She told him. Alistair grasped her hand tightly. 

“There’s something I need to tell you.” He coughed again. 

“Alistair-“ she tried to protest but he continued. 

“That day I came to you, the day all of this started. I had just found out something horrible, Morrigan told me there was a way for Solona to survive” he took a ragged breath, “A way for her to survive the battle, and Solona had kept it from me.”

He wheezed now but he held her hand tightly as he spoke. “I was so hurt and confused, I was so sure I had not a heart to give. So I ran from you, it was a mistake, I just didn’t know how to feel what I was feeling. I have spent the last ten years grieving a woman whom I thought no other could compare.” He touched her face again, she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. 

“I was wrong again, that happens quite often you know. I’m sorry Grace, I love you, I have loved you from the moment you found me in that cave. Please forgive me, for everything.” 

“Of course I forgive you.” She sobbed and kissed his forehead. 

“It doesn’t hurt now.”

“Please just hold on.” She begged. 

“Love you…” Alistair whispered before his vision went black.


	8. Solona

.A.

It was a grand hall to be sure. 

Was it vaguely familiar? 

He felt like he knew, but it was as if it were a dream that he had awoken from and couldn’t quite remember, only how he felt. 

Which was peaceful, very peaceful. 

He walked slowly through the hall. Bright light shined through the stain glass windows, the windows depicted famous battles from every Blight, he knew them all well. 

“Hello?” He called, his own voice echoing back to him. 

“Hello, Alistair.” A soft voice spoke from behind him. He gasped as he spun around, and then he froze. 

She looked just as she had the day he met her at Ostagar. Her blonde hair was down, pulled back by a lovely silver clip on each side. The way the bright sun reflected on the curls made a halo around her head. 

He stepped forward, unsure, but then pulled her into a tight hug. She felt real to him, not like the dreams that haunted him in the years after her death, where she was always out of reach. He could feel her heart beating against his chest, and her soft breath on his neck as he she hugged him back just as tightly. 

“Solona.” He whispered. 

They pulled apart and she smiled radiantly at him. 

“It has been a long time.” She said, her voice quivered slightly. 

Realization of what must be happening suddenly flooded back to his mind. He remembered the pain, he touched his side, there was no pain. He remembered Grace’s blood and tear stained face looking down at him. His eyes shot to Solona. 

“Grace?” He asked worriedly. 

“She lives… because of you.” Solona said with a smile. 

“So that must mean I’m dead?” He asked. 

She didn’t answer him, only smiled sadly and began walking in the direction he was headed. He watched her for a moment before he followed her slowly. 

“Will you tell me about her?” Solona asked after a moment of them walking. They came to a door and she opened it to a lush garden. A small bench awaited them and once they were seated Alistair looked at her again. 

“You want to know about Grace?”

“Is that so odd?” 

“I suppose not…”

“You love her, do you not?” 

He thought of her then, and he missed her. He thought of how her whole face lit up when she laughed, how her forehead wrinkled when she was really interested in a book. He thought of the way she fought in battle, her wild brown hair dancing around her. He thought of her soft touch on his skin. A longing came over him then, an ache to be near her again, was this hell? Would he be doomed to miss her for eternity? Until she finally joined him? That thought brought a pain all its own, the thought of her life ending… he couldn’t fathom it, let alone wish for it. 

He looked at Solona again who watched him with patient eyes. How could he put into words just how much he loved Grace Trevelyan? 

“I do love her… very much.” He said with a sad laugh. 

Solona’s eyes were sad for a moment. He felt a guilt settle over him and he opened his mouth to apologize, but Solona had always known his thoughts, sometimes before he had even made sense of them himself. 

“It is okay Alistair, when I made the choice to die I knew you would continue to live. It is what I wanted.” She touched his cheek as she spoke, Alistair took her hand and held it in his. 

“I loved you too.” He said and she laughed. 

“Yes I know, but I was just a chapter in your story… she is who you were always meant for, is she not?” 

“Yes.” He agreed without hesitation. 

“So tell me about her… this Inquisitor of yours.” 

So he did. 

He told her of his life after the Blight. How lost he had felt, the anger he held towards her for leaving him. He told her of how he had become someone he didn’t even recognize, but then Grace had found him in his cave. She had led him to the light once again. He told her of how he had hurt her, his shame. He told her about the Fade, and how the demons had tormented her while wearing his face. 

“I only brought pain to her.” He whispered forlornly. 

“That is simply not true.” Solona said sharply. 

“The things those creatures did to her… it is my fault.”

“No, old friend, it is not. Things happen that we cannot control everyday, but we continue on because of them. We make the choice to live.”

“Or we take choices away from others.” He said sharply as he stood. 

“You lied to me, the night before battle.” He said as he turned to stare at her. 

“I did not lie, I simply didn’t tell you there was another way.” 

“A lie by omission then! You took my choice from me!” He shouted, she didn’t even flinch, she was always so stoic. It had driven him mad in life as well. 

“Say I hadn’t, say you had taken Morrigan to bed and we both survived. What would have happened?” 

“We would have been together, I wouldn’t have spent ten years in darkness.” 

“Listen to yourself Alistair, ten years in darkness then Grace finds you. If I had been there, do you think you still would have loved her?”

He opened his mouth and closed it, he couldn’t make sense of what he was feeling. She stood and she touched his head, a memory… many memories… was it a memory? It came to him. 

————

He and Solona stood in the cave as the party entered. Hawke had told them the Inquisitor was coming… but he couldn’t be sure this was them. He stood in front of Solona and held his sword to the female leader’s neck. 

An elf woman pulled her bow and aimed it right at him in defense. 

“Stand down Sera.” The woman spoke and he looked at her then. Her eyes were a deep blue, she was very young, but she was beautiful. 

He lowered his sword slowly and Hawke appeared. 

“It is me old friend!” Hawke said. 

He nodded and looked to the young woman again, a strange stirring in his chest. A soft touch pulled him from the odd thoughts, he smiled at Solona and introduced her and himself, he tried to shake the feeling in his chest. 

————

“I found something!” Grace said as she dropped a bunch of books in front of him. He and Solona had made the abandoned ballroom and the library off of it their quarters. 

He had tried to no avail to distance himself from the young Inquisitor. She was very persistent in her quest to make him her friend, Solona loved her, and had become quite close to her in the months they had been at Skyhold. He couldn’t ignore the attraction he felt for the young woman, it made him feel guilty and ashamed. She was always there though. 

She leaned over the desk where he sat as she flipped the pages. He stared up at her, she smelled like flowers and leather. Her hair was long, and she rarely tied it up, it brushed his arm that rested on the desk. 

“There is a ruin here, you see, and our scouts have found rifts very close to this area. It might be nothing, but I think it’s worth further exploration, don’t you?” She looked at him then and their eyes met, as they had many times before. He wondered, if she felt it too? She and the Commander were an item, something he and Solona both found odd. Though Solona had made peace with the man when they arrived at Skyhold. 

The odd moment they shared was broken when Solona entered the library. They both jerked away as if they had been electrocuted. He stood and walked around the desk to kiss her on the temple, Grace closed the book and held it to her chest tightly. 

“I should go.” She said before hurrying away. 

He tried to ignore the question in Solona’s eyes. 

————

They all rode sorrowfully back to Skyhold. Hawke had stayed in the Fade so that Solona and Grace could escape. Grace wouldn’t look at Solona, and Solona’s mouth was set in a hard line as they made their way back to the castle. He had tried to ask what in the maker had happened. Solona wouldn’t speak to him about it. 

He felt a great loss, Hawke was one of his and Solona’s oldest friends. They had travelled together after the fall of Kirkwall for sometime. They had helped Hawke keep tabs on his sister’s progression in the Wardens, though Bethany wouldn’t like it if she had known. Bethany… he would have to write the letter to tell her what had happened. He sighed forlornly and looked to where Grace rode beside Cullen. He couldn’t understand the relief he felt that she lived. When she and Solona had disappeared through the rift he felt like he might collapse. He felt fear for Solona, but what he couldn’t understand was the heart stopping agony that took over him at the thought of Grace being gone forever. 

What was wrong with him?

When she leapt from the rift in the courtyard he was the first to grab her and help her to her feet, joy that she was alive overtook him and he hugged her tightly. Cullen had appeared beside them, questions in his eyes, and Alistair had reluctantly let her go, just as Solona came from the rift as well. The exchange happened within a minute, but it was altering. 

He couldn’t make sense of anything anymore. 

————

“You have to tell me what happened.” Alistair pleaded with Solona once more. They had been back at Skyhold for a month and Grace avoided the both of them like the plague, especially Solona. 

Solona sighed and looked at him. Her eyes were pained and he wanted to make it better, but he couldn’t if she wouldn’t tell him what had happened in the Fade. 

“Grace tried to stay behind but I stopped her, she is angry with me for doing so.” Solona said simply. 

The thought of Grace being the one who had perished in the Fade was too painful of a thought for Alistair. He looked to the woman whom he had shared his life with for so long. 

“It wouldn’t have made sense for her to die, the world needs her. She’s the only one who can end Corypheus.” He said. 

“Yes, though that is not the only reason I stopped her.” Solona gazed into his eyes, her own full of meaning, she was pleading with him for something. Something he couldn’t admit to himself. 

“Why would there be another reason?” He said as coyly as possible. 

“Oh Alistair, you forget that I know you better than you know yourself.” She said with a sad smile. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He said in a dangerously low voice. 

“Alistair, I love you, more than life; which is why I could never see you in pain.” 

“Why would the death of Grace Trevelyan bring me pain?” He said in a cruel voice. 

“Because you love her.” Solona said simply and he leaned against a beam for support. 

“You’re out of your bloody mind.” 

“It is okay, I have known for a long time now.” She stood and touched his face. 

“You’re wrong.” 

“We both know I’m not.” 

“I love you.” He took her hand in his and her eyes watered as she looked at him. 

“I know you do, but sometimes the head and the heart have different ideas, as well as the soul.” 

“My soul is yours, it has been yours for ten years. Grace Trevelyan means nothing to me… nothing.” He said the words convincingly, but he didn’t believe them as they left his mouth. 

A soft gasp caused them to turn to the doorway, Grace stood there shifting awkwardly on her feet. Dread overflowed his mind as he looked upon her. What had he done?

“Excuse me, I’m so sorry.” She said before turning and leaving the way she had come. He closed his eyes and sighed. 

“You need to go after her.” Solona said. 

“No.” He quipped and walked to the library. Solona followed after him. 

“Alistair! You must!” Solona pleaded. 

“This is how it needs to be, this is how it is. The girl is nothing, I told you as much and now she knows as well. It’s better this way.” His heart was screaming at him to follow her, but he couldn’t… he wouldn’t. 

“You’re a fool, Alistair.” Solona said with a shake of her head. 

————

The battle in the wilds was bloody. They had not even seen the Inquisitor before the fighting started. Alistair was fine with this. He had spent the last months trying to not think of her, and acting unbothered by any news of her. He and Solona had returned to Adamant to begin rebuilding the Wardens there. Solona was a natural leader, and her status in the Wardens made it easy for people to want to follow her. 

Alistair had been able to sink into the shadows again, and ignore the pain in his heart. He couldn’t understand why this girl had taken such a hold on him, but he was sure it would fade. It was a passing fancy, nothing more. 

They received the missive that the Inquisitor was successful after a day of fighting. They celebrated then began packing their things to return to the fortress. Three days into the journey the sky lit up in green. They looked to the Breach, and it was open once again. 

“He has become desperate.” Solona said in horror beside him. 

Alistair felt the fear take him. He knew Grace would be at Skyhold with little to no support. He turned from the sky and continued to unsaddle his horse. 

“We must help her.” Solona said. 

“The Wardens have done their job.” He said with a sniff as he carried his saddle to a log to set it down. 

“She is alone with no help!” 

“She will manage, it is not our place now.” Solona grabbed his shoulders and pulled him to face her. 

“Alistair, listen to me, I know you’ve been trying to ignore your heart out of loyalty to me. I love you for it, but I’m begging you to go now, or you will regret it forever.” She pleaded with him and he made his face neutral. 

“My heart knows its place, we ride for Adamant in the morning.” He walked away from her. 

Sleep did not find him on that night. He was terrified of what Grace was facing, but he would not go, it wasn’t his place. She was not alone, her companions were ever vigilant by her side. She would be victorious again and then he would move on from the hold she had on him. 

In the silence of the morning a crow found them in their camp. He was serving stew to the recruits and telling everyone to finish up and saddle their mounts. Leliana’s crow landed on Solona’s arm and she untied the letter from its leg. He watched her as she read it, her hands shook and she looked up at him, pain and horror filled her eyes. He dropped the bowl and walked to her, he took the letter and read it quickly. 

‘Corypheus is defeated… but he has taken our precious Grace with him.’

-L

Pain exploded in his chest as his hands fell to his side. He stumbled slightly from the force of the loss he felt. It pulled his chest painfully and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. 

“Alistair…” Solona touched his shoulder. 

————

“No!” He jerked away from the pain, the memory, it couldn’t have been real. It was too real, the pain, he touched his chest pulled at his shirt. 

“Grace.” He whispered. 

“She lives, because you accepted the love you felt for her. It wouldn’t have been possible for you to do, had I survived the Blight.” 

“Did you know?” 

“That all of this would happen? No, but I knew you needed to live, and that I needed to die. I knew it with every fiber in my body.” 

“Am I dead?” He asked again. 

“That’s up to you.”


	9. Tick, Tock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, just a quick little chapter, more of a filler really. 
> 
> Sorry it’s been so long. 
> 
> Life.

.G.

Apparently it was an Antivan tradition to present a person of great accomplishment with a handcrafted grandfather clock. 

Josephine’s uncle was one such maker of these famous clocks, the process in which the clocks were made was tireless, and Josephine had asked him to start making one for Grace once the Inquisition had settled at Skyhold. She had presented it to Grace the day after the final battle, when the pain of what she had seen was so fresh she could scarcely breathe. 

Grace had smiled at her friend and thanked her, Bull had then carried the clock to her room and that is where it remained. Grace thought the timepiece was beautiful, it was embellished with wood carved flowers and little insects, and it had been stained with a deep cherry stain. It was beautiful. 

It mocked her, however. 

She sat beside her bed, and the loud drumming of the clock reminded her how long it had been since she watched the light leave Alistair’s eyes. He lay under the covers of her bed, where he had remained after she rushed him here to tend his wounds. Solas left them moments after the battle, no one had seen him, she had been terrified that they were too late. The healers had worked diligently and while the wounds were beginning to heal, his eyes had not opened.

The clock ticked, his chest rose, and she counted the minutes as they continued. Each breath between those droning thunks was a lifetime, for every moment she sat watching him breathe, just to know he was alive was another moment she went more insane. 

The world rejoiced at her victory, but she had attended no banquet. All invitations had went unanswered. Josie tried to coax her into going on a victory tour of Thedas, everyone wanted to host her, to show their gratitude. 

She couldn’t leave him. 

How could she? When he had saved her life once again.  
She closed her eyes and it seemed as if it was all still happening. His eyes as the sword speared through his body, the way the light left them as he confessed his love for her. She felt herself begin to shake as she stood and walked to the balcony.

The world did not look so different than it had three weeks ago when Corypheus still lived. The mountains were as silent as ever, cocooning her beloved Skyhold in their snowy embrace. Everything was different now, however. She was different. 

She glanced over her shoulder at the man on her bed, watched his chest rise and fall a few times before walking onto the balcony. She thought of the time he had found her here, how much she had loved him already, and how oblivious he was to her. He had seen her though, seen who she truly was, not Grace Trevelyan the Inquisitor, but just Grace. 

It seemed that fate intended to forever separate them. She felt tears forming in her eyes and though the world was at peace because of her… she knew if it weren’t for the man sleeping in her room she wouldn’t have made it half as far. The healer visited every day and checked his wounds that were healing, the scars already turning pink with fresh skin. 

‘The mind takes longer sometimes.’ She had said. Grace knew this to be true, she walked back into the room and sat down beside him once more. She took his hand in hers and felt comfort from his touch. 

“You no longer fear him.” The voice of Cullen came from behind her, she wondered how he moved so silently in his heavy cloak. She did not turn to look at him, only smiled softly at Alistair’s sleeping face. 

“I suppose watching him jump in front of that blade to save me severed whatever hold the demon still held on my mind.” It was truly all she could think of as to why his face didn’t send shivers down her spine once more. 

The nightmares still came when she slept, and forced her to wake up in a cold sweat, but she was able to separate them now. The demon, and Alistair, there could be no confusion now that Alistair loved her. She only wished she’d believed him the night he told her in the tent. 

“You need to leave this room for a bit, Grace, the people are worrying for their Inquisitor.”

“Their Inquisitor has done her job.” She snapped and then sighed. She stood and looked at Cullen, he was always stoic. 

“Sorry, Cullen, I’m irritable lately.” She apologized and he smiled. 

“You owe no apologies to me, Grace.” She felt sadness for the man before her. He was one of her dearest friends to be sure, and maybe in another world she could have loved him as he loved her. He deserved someone who would devote themselves to him the way he devoted himself to everything he cared for. 

“Have you thought about leaving for a while? Going to see family?” She asked as she sat down on the lounge across the room, he joined her and sighed. 

“My sister would be overjoyed I’m sure, but I feel there’s still much to do here…” he trailed off and Grace touched his arm. 

“Cullen, I will be fine, you don’t need to stay to look out for me.” 

“Don’t I?” He asked disbelieving and she shook her head as she chuckled. 

“I never deserved your affections, dear Cullen.” She said distantly. 

“I beg to differ.” Was all he said as he stood again. He walked to the stairs and stopped, his head rested hesitantly on the railing and he finally turned to look at her. 

“What if he never wakes up?” He asked, his eyes burning as they waited for her answer. 

“Then it shall be him, I, and the bloody clock until one of us stops drumming on.” She replied. 

————

**Author's Note:**

> Be kind.


End file.
